Friday, August 12, 2011

Runaway mom

To all 5 of my faithful followers, please let this go in one ear and right out the other. Although any encouragement, advice or critique would be appreciated. I guess my point is, hopefully once I let all this out I will be over it. I hope so, because I have been stewing for weeks now. That is SO not healthy. do YOU determine the order of your priorities? I am always so afraid that I am going to do something wrong and even worse, regret something.
For the first time, I am feeling unsettled with my job. That alone is extremely unnerving and new. Then I leave work and have about 3.5 minutes to unwind before I pick Cici up. Then we get home and its CHAOS! Usually 2 dinners to cook. (the kids and ours if they can't have what we are having or its not going to be ready in time) then bath time. But this time Caroline is cranky and exhausted. They magically get calm right as Frank gets home so it looks like I have gone off the shiz-zang for 2 perfectly calm kids. So tonight Frank calls and says he missed his stop on the train so he was going to be late. This call took place as both kids were crying for me. So of course I have visions of him kicked back on the nice quiet train. Sounds good to me. So enter a moment of bitterness. I wanted to run away from home. Then the colossal feeling of guilt came back just in time to keep me from packing my hobo stick and bandana. There is nothing about this entire scenario that I can change. I just have to suck it up and smile through it. Here is the painful and frustrating part. I LOVE all parties previously mentioned. There is not one thing I can change about any one thing I mentioned. So why bother getting so beside myself about any of it? I DONT KNOW!! Maybe its just a matter of "this too shall pass" I don't like this feeling of feeling so overwhelmed. Work used to be my haven, a place where ironically things were in their place and the unpredictability was always predictable. Right now, that is just not the case. I cant even size up my priorities enough to decide what to do. For the moment I will grin and bare it. No question, God will lead me to the right thing to do.